Ayuh

Sometimes they come back...

I dunno if I'll actually make another run at this whole journal thing, but for the present I remembered it was here and decided to mark the occasion, lol. The world now is so different from what it was, or perhaps I've just adjusted my view of it. Changing is tricky at the best of times, lol. Funny that as screwed up as my life is now, that I'm not haunted by the past. Maybe that means I'm finally maturing. I wish I had made different choices along the way, wish it with every fiber of my being for some, but I'm not spending days or losing sleep lamenting my mistakes anymore. I used to do that. Wonder what that means...

Still getting used to having so few people to confide in. Having spent so long pushing people away through neglect or mismanagement of relationships, I find myself deprived of nearly all close friends. My life would be better if I'd worked harder to maintain some of those ties.

Almost none of my pants fit me anymore, lol. Losing that weight has definitely forced me to become a wearer of belts until such time as I can afford to update my wardrobe. Crazy. Some of my shorts would now be downright indecent otherwise.

"Roland looked up and saw Susan sitting in her window, a bright vision in the gray light of that fall morning. His heart leaped up and although he didn't know it then, it was how he would remember her most clearly forever after - lovely Susan, the girl at the window. So do we pass the ghosts that haunt us later in our lives; they sit undramatically by the roadside like poor beggars, and we see them only from the corners of our eyes, if we see them at all. The idea that they have been waiting there for us rarely if ever crosses our minds. Yet they do wait, and when we have passed, they gather up their bundles of memory and fall in behind, treading in our footsteps and catching up, little by little."

The Days Go By

So wow. I guess sometimes doors that appear shut aren't always. Got a message from an old acquaintance a couple of days and it shocked me. We didn't part on good terms, and my one subsequent contact with them had been less than friendly, lol. Excited about the opportunity to mend long neglected fences though. I certainly could use more friends. On the plus side, I'd like to think I'm a better person than I was when I screwed up our friendship, so maybe now I can make this work. Here's hoping.

Wore myself out working at a housing event yesterday, and I have another all day one coming up tomorrow. Job's getting stressful, and I'm feeling the crunch. So much for so many is riding on me, and it takes its toll. The good news is that I need not worry about losing my sanity, for there wasn't much of it from the beginning, lol. I'm starting to get why burnout is so high among people in my industry though.

Turkey Day's fast approaching, and I'm starting to get excited. I've got a couple of days off next week, and I plan to fully utilize them to savor in the wonders of family. I even managed to resurrect a more complete version of a family tradition, so I've got that going for me.

Lately I don't seem to have enough time to do the things I'd like to do. Maybe if this weekend slows down I'll be able to make my case for some of these things.

Jotting Down Thought

I've been doing a lot of reading lately as I work to knock off some of the books from my somewhat daunting Reading List. Some good books, some great books, and one bad one, lol. Besides an immense happiness in getting back to reading and a massive amount of time I cannot remember passing, tearing through these stories has also reignited my own desire to start writing again. Maybe not another story, but at least to seek to get back to poetry. It's nice to have that outlet for your mind and hands, whether it's painting, writing, drawing, building, or what have you. The creative arts allow us to express ourselves in unique ways, and I cherish those moments of uninhibited self-expression.

My friends make me a better person by bringing joy into my life that I could not create on my own. I don't have that thought in a complete enough form (or a stream of consciousness currently running, lol) to expand on that concept, but I wanted to get it in writing while it's on my mind. I have also found that I am helping several of my friends come out of their shell, which is a rewarding process to witness. People deserve to live as much of their lives as possible at the full height of their being, but it's so rare that we ever reach that potential. If I can coax even a little bit of that untapped resevoir into expressing itself, wouldn't that be something?

I've been spending quite a bit of my time on my backyard swing lately. I worry that I may be in danger of becoming pensive, lol.

The Hammer Falls

Well, it's begun, and nothing will ever be the same after this. My life hangs in the balance of this slow process, and all I can do is wait. I'm thankful for my incredible family, and for my own inner strength. I have already been sorely tested, and this is just the beginning.

I dunno if you read this anymore, but I miss you. I miss our talks, and I miss your presence. Your support is one thing I will feel the absence of during the coming year, and I have only myself to blame for that deficiency. May your world be open to all kinds of wonderful possibilities.

"Santa Fe, wait for me...."